The Runday Shag
Date: 10 December 2023
Hare: Stevie Blunder & FRB
Venue: North Holmwood
On On: The Tap House, Brockham
A XMAS GIFT FROM THIS DEADLY DUO
The Toad knew that the Mole would be conflicted this morning. Ordinarily he would avoid setting out on a trail set by the Blunder, but if you threw FRB into the mix, what could happen? Would it mean moderation or a double whammy? How would it work, or perhaps it wouldn’t? In the end, curiosity and his sense of duty overcame him. After all, he had the hash beer and the hounds would never forgive him if he didn’t venture down the road with it. But this time he was alone; Mrs Mole was content to stay and potter in their warm and dry home.
Meanwhile it appeared that the River Mole flowed across the hapless hounds’ trail.
So this is his account:-
Whether this offering was the result of Birthing Blanket’s Machiavellian sense of humour or a secret tryst between Stevie Blunder, aka The Putney Village Idiot (PVI), and FRB, we are unlikely to know. However, the coming together of this “odd couple” was sufficient warning to the membership that anything was possible in the definition of a Run, especially a live one, despite the Hares’ protestations that they were the dream team representing both youth and experience. In fact the perfect combo. This could be true if they had no past footprints, but they do, in spades, much of it in the merde. The “Blunderer” lives within an inch of his name, fully believing, quite wrongly, that all his Runs are the mark of a genius despite regularly crossing his trail, losing the Pack continually, and confusing all by his trail hieroglyphics. FRB’s offerings are the exact opposite, models of absolute control as they do not allow the participants any discretion. He not only lays the trail but finds the checks, explains them, and points the way forward. No doubt a practice he developed many years ago whilst ruminating at 150 fathoms in an Oberon Class submarine. On the day suggestions that this “marriage” may not have a future were instantly dismissed by the Hares, who explained that they had a fool-proof weapon to avoid disaster, namely the introduction of IT that would allow them to stay in touch and synchronize every aspect of the Run. As the PVI explained, he operated at the leading edge of technology, spending most of his day playing Grand Theft Auto or trying to hack into the US State Department, and that his iPhone 11 would solve all problems. Sadly be failed to check what phone FRB had. If he had bothered he would have found out that his 1990’s Nokia 101 was hardly compatible. As the saying goes “those who live by IT die by it”, as common sense flies rapidly out of the window.
And so it proved as the Hares casually strolled off 2 minutes before the start full of the belief of invincibility, all angles covered. Unfortunately reality immediately broke through in the name of Big Foot. Being fairly new to Surrey ways he still has the strange belief that he should run and check, whilst Surrey’s current way is to amble along at pedestrian speed, unaware of anything except the person in front, an approach the Hares were relying on combined with the delaying foul weather and deep shiggy. The end result: the Blunderer was “captured” at the first Check within minutes of the start. PVI, 0 – SH3, 1.
I will not trouble you with a blow by blow description of the rest of the Run being as it was broadly all the same, namely a succession of sodden side paths always returning to the main circular path, immediately followed by a “bar” sending you back to another side path. Why the PVI puts any faith in these is beyond understanding as all they do is advertise that just a little further on flour will be found, and so it proved on numerous occasions.
Over time the brighter members of the Pack adopted this approach, providing a dryer, easier, and quicker return to the cars. A curious exception were Velcro, Sister Anna, and First On who seemed determined to take any side path on or off trail even if it got them lost. Strange behaviour. Where was FRB in all of this? Surely not missing in action. No, to be fair he from time to time hoved into sight, mainly at excessive and confusing areas of flour, but from the look on his face he was clearly living his own nightmare. So much for IT. At this point it has to be said that the live Run was pointless as he was also “captured” by the scribe and Peay, and probably others, despite his protestations that we had not kept to the Rules. Talk about a laugh. What Rules!!! PVI, 0 – SH3, 3 (at least).
Over time most of the Pack drifted in from disparate directions, cold and wet, almost all wearing a look of acute bemusement, although Ms Bean, Veggie Queen, and CL declined to appear until the Circle was almost over. Confusing flour was offered as an excuse although for Ms Bean it must’ve been extreme embarrassment. As the GM said in the Circle “what the hell was that all about?” Amen to that. FRB offered no comment, remaining sphinx like, but surely must’ve been thinking “never again” before returning home to his Sunday Roast.
From all of that you would think the PVI would be cowed. Not on your life. At the Pub he continued to defend his Run, still claiming he was a seriously misunderstood genius.
To sum up we should stop feeling sorry for ourselves for taking part and instead offer our great sympathies to Ms Bean. She has the major challenge before the men in white coats arrive.
As a post script Raffles informs me that Spud is thinking of advertising for a new owner if things get any worse. Its a dog’s life!
The stragglers: CL, Bodyshop (late but not lost), Ms Bean & (almost) MeeSing In Action