Sometimes I have a nightmare where a hash is laid but it follows none of the rules in Guidelines to Hares or Hairlines for Guides (available from Her Majesty’s Stationary Office and all good book sellers (not too many of those left – W H Smith – poor, Waterstones – better on-line and, of course, the ubiquitous Amazon.  This publication is available also from my Hare Raising Shop.

  But on on Sunday this happened!!!!

  With Snagglepuss and Patel at Al (who is Al? – Ed – 2nd name Gore something to do with US politics (Hands de Stands will explain, but he was attacked by a bull, recovered and the rest is history) going for a beer up at Marlow and also Storm Babet at last hitting the South of England, I was expecting a poor turnout.

  But, no! the hardy hashers were there in force – they must have forgotten that Hash Crash was laying it.

  Why park in a congested residential road when just around the corner there is a road EMPTY of cars – obviously the hare does not have local knowledge.

  Once the trail was announced and the pack knew who had set it, they all opted for the walk!

  A few hapless hounds decided to be brave the run as it was only 4 miles whilst Hash Crash led off the walking sheep. 

  Hash Crash tried to lumber me with Checking Chicken but, with a broken shoulder and the leader of SH3 having asked me to to do the write up in FRB’s absence, I declined.

  In fact if you follow the Hare Guidelines the flour needs to be double bagged in plastic and then put into a JUTE bag – the latter available from my Hare Raising Shop.  Hash Crash had put it in a baby wipe and the flour leaked out all the way round the trail!!!   Fortunately the redoubtable Popeye stepped in to do this, but more of this later.

  So the Dashers set off led by Rumbold, a look-alike to the other one in Are You Being Served?, J Arthur, Un Pro, Burper, Captain Web, Charlie Farley (remember The Two Ronnies?) but this one was downloaded from the website, Bonne Maman and the reluctant but dedicated Poopeye.

  Out on to a golf course and then we hit a minor road and knew we were in Wales as 20 MPH signs appeared.

  The 5 bags of flour supposedly used were difficult to find but soon we were into woods and then lost.

  Then on to a field of cows or bullocks – Burper was not sure and so I think they identified as gender neutral!

  Charlie Farley was in the distance and I called him On Back but the Rank Outsider who thinks he knows everything about SH3 said that is not one of ours – well we all make mistakes.

  So along a hedge to a dire situation!  We had to cross a dual carriageway where obviously Lewis Hamilton was practising.  No hare to help and no safety officer appointed but I stepped up to the plate (someone was having Sunday lunch nearby) and everyone crossed over without injury.

  The rain had let off off but soon it came back and it was not just on the plain!  Now we came to the Tillingbourne Brewery and I expected a beer stop.  The picture of the Hop Troll looked remarkably like our hare!

  But no chance.  At this point I took Burper and Poopeye under my wing and we had a boys’ get together and chat (this is similar to what Birthing Pool does EVERY week where she lassos a wayward soul and talks to them ALL the way round).

  However, Poopeye and Burper were pleased to be regaled with stories from a world wide super hare until we reached the mobile cafe.  Here Rum Ba Ba, The Rank One, Un Pro, the Bugling Mistress, Captain Web with protégé Charlie Drake – it was actually weather for ducks, appeared with the usually tardy Atlantic Ocean.

  I then went ahead to see all was well and suddenly heard a great noise, it made me jump.  It was a huge belch from Burper who had crept up behind me.

  Popeye was the last man standing but he kept marking the trail with flour despite the FRBs kicking it in the right direction earlier.  What is the point of a Checking Chicken if there is nobody behind you?  Must be a jobsworth!

  It was getting late and I am thinking how long does it take to swim 4 miles and then we saw some flour again, several blobs together and I hoped this was the end.

  Poor Burper set off off on a downhill check but it was not that way and I refused to give height and found the actual trail.  Then the Girl from Atlantis came back and said no flour and I have checked a long way ahead – I spotted it after 20 metres!!!!  More training needed at the Hair Raising Clinics.

  So I was left with Popeye whose only job was to help and protect the runners.  He kept saying next junction turn right and I went and checked it out downhill and he then went left.  This made me do more than the actual trail which we found was 7 miles – 2 hours out in that down down pour was more than enough.

  As we were coming to the Car Crash’s house, Popeye said maybe there is a beer stop there – chance would be a fine thing and would you really want to visit Castle Gormenghast? – classic scholars only!

  Down Downs

  The Stentorian Bugler then took charge of a bedraggled and soaked group whilst Hash Crash had gone home to have a hot shower.  [Ed – he did WHAT?]

  J Arthur handed out our much needed beer replenishments.  Bonnie Bugler had appointed Burper to be RA as Poopeye had been the chicken today.  He mentioned that 007 does not take viagra any longer but he does want to Roger Moore (what a Saint)!

  Also Popeye the sailor was called forward as he kept an obese parrot and when it died Popeye was glad as it was a weight off his shoulders…

FRB-style Addendum

  David Attenborough has now found a previously undiscovered creature: The Racial Slur.  It utters an unidentifiable sound which is supposed to be words and is apparently upsetting to some people.  In my day “Sticks and Stones …..”  Surely these are not allowed on a rugby pitch?  [Ed – they are not permitted but one can fit small ones inside your jock strap.]  It apparently inhabits international rugby grounds and is being taken seriously – we understand that Anton Ferdinand is arbitrating in this matter, but as he does not comprehend the meaning of the word or how to spell it, it may be some time before we get a result.

Trail Pieces

  This trail was ghastly as it broke all the rules of hashing.  3 of the top brass at SH3 said it was unacceptable and Hash Crash will need help in the future and they recommended he read my “Guideline for Hares” previously mentioned.  [Ed – I can attest to several pleas for help & messages to this effect,  received whilst on “the other hash”!!]

Fundamentals

1. Trail design – no thought and just one long slog – checks mostly straight on on.

2. Safety – no hare or back up on trail and the roads were dangerous – Uncle Gerry would have a fit and even MB would agree!!

3. Pub – no seating inside for wet and despondent walkers and runners.

4. Beer stop – it is to be noted that only Teq can organise a piss up in a brewery as we ran through one today but nothing had been arranged!

Dreggs – The tough old boys Dr Death, Low Profile, Dormouse and Bugsy sat outside braving the inclement weather. Speed Bumps was there with her carer, Ellie, and who says the youth of today are a waste of time, because this little girl is a diamond.

[Ed – And no down for the little one with her  special mug 🙁 ]

  On On, F’ King Who?

Footnote: New regime, new broom… 

Following the last committee meeting Birthing Blanket is currently reviewing  guidelines for Hares, especially that a run should be absolutely maximum 4-5 miles = 1 1/4 to 1 1/2 hours out.  On on, Ed.