The Runday Shag
Date: 23 July 2023
Hare: Great Bear (Weybridge H3)
Venue: Merry Harriers, Hambledon
On On: Merry Harriers
WE WORK WITH WEYBRIDGE
The Weybridge Hash laid this trail. Surrey have often visited the Merry Harriers; our trails tend to start towards Hydon’s Ball and then turn south, as a left hander. Today’s trail started where we have often finished, an over-long path with no exits, and then turned north, so I assumed a simple reversal of our tradition, but I was wrong. Back south, into unfamiliar territory, and so also a left-hander.
Now, Weybridge are a good deal younger than we, with young men and boys, and at least one is as fast as Stevie Blunder (a late arrival for us today). Disconcertingly, they did not finish before many of us; either they held back in courtesy, or were bewildered by the trail, which several times left a road for a path without any obvious blobs of flour to indicate the change. It was quite a short trail; we were in after some 65 minutes, in good often sunny weather, despite the rain yesterday.
We were short of front runners. Atalanta arrived after we had finished; yes, we did have Le Pro and Bonn Bugle. Two of ours contributing sterling service were ‘IsKnees and Chastity Belt; the loudest was of course Wally, braying his horror of silence (his preferred insult for me is “taciturn”). But we lost him in the later stages. A very welcome returner was Chunderos, who still has a good turn of speed and a good feel for where to go next.
I noticed a Weybridge man at the Circle disconcerted to overhear my conversation with Belcher about how to pronounce Latin (is “civis” kiwiss or sivis?). In my National Service days naval officers had a horror of erudition or originality in conversation. The Surrey hash is more accommodating. Actually I am told Weybridge do not normally hold Circles, or indeed drink, which seems a surprising departure from hash tradition. Tosser, their GM for many years, was seen at the start, but not thereafter. You would have thought him a stickler for tradition.
Our instructions were clear and formal: do not use the pub car park. CL was in evidence at the start, ensuring we went elsewhere. Yet a fair few, especially from Weybridge, did in fact end up in the pub car park, including the hare(s?), who denied our GM any insight into the trail when we started.
Sin is a word, a concept, scarcely used today – except in the popular press, where it means illicit sex. You have probably never thought to compare the Ten Commandments with the medieval 7 Deadly Sins (they have almost nothing in common, which shows how thinking changes). I suggest that in our own society the key concept is selfishness, being self-centred. What behaviour is excoriated these days? Slighting or neglecting family or friends; – selfishness.
Drugs, drunkenness: ditto. Violence means the offender rates others below himself; so do lies. Jealousy, envy, two classical forms of selfishness. Tax evasion – how little is this dwelt upon! – pure selfishness. Bad- mouthing others (think of social media!): another form of self-centredness. It is difficult to think of any offence where the offender does not regard others as less than himself, or indeed herself – women are not innocent either. Belief in God is now unusual, but many people do believe in an afterlife; I have no idea what criteria they imagine will be applied to them after death; I suspect they have never thought it through. Confession was once integral to Christianity; but almost all those making a confession were largely innocent. The wicked see themselves differently. Indeed, they see only themselves.
A Tale of Two Hashes – It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Naked Gordon Ramsey
Half a sixpence – lend me a tanner
Loose Article (GH3 infiltraitor)
No Ding or Dong
Doug the Tub
Runner Bean – not seen
L Tshirt and dog Sabina
This was Wadebridge’s 2,000,001 run and so they have a long history.
It started in antedeluvian times – in fact the Jurassic period – it was not a park then and Stepen Iceberg was still writing Shingles List (a painful condition which yours truly has had but I have now exported it to a South Coast beach!).
Lord Tosser was a young dinosaur then and look at him now. The name Wadebridge, in those bygone days, came from having to wade through a swamp. Then some bright spark (was it Edison or Faraday? invented the bridge.
Anyway he was an ancestor of the great Islamabad Brunel. Then they changed the name to New Whore (is that an oxmoron? – Ed) Hash. But there were few of these available and so the original name stuck!!!
Onto the trail.
The hairs could not be found (poor forensics I’d say) and so the Grand Master welcomed Wadebridge and particularly the top people no not Paul Tanner or Masturbates but Naked Chef and Top Man. We were off off down down a shiggy path with wusses tip toeing through it!
Hash Flash, Un Pro, Bombay Arse and Knees Up surged ahead. Soon they were caught by young guns from Weigh Bridge – Pocket Rocket, Private Parts, Chips et Al (who the hell is Al? – Ed).
By the first check Chastity Belt and the Bombastic Bugler had caught up followed by the Petal and the ubiquitous Raffles. Wadebridge obviously have not been trained on calling and SH3 followed suit. I saved the day but doing it to the chagrin of the Kneeless Bugger who said we don’t do it!!!
We entered the woods and then emerged briefly into moorland. The Wadebridge hares who prefer tarmac in places like Kingston, Surbiton and Leatherhead must have had withdrawal symptoms as then we hit a road. Soon they will love it as dishonest Ghengis Khan will enclose these areas with the new ULEZ (maybe Dawson?) which will make hashing not viable at £12.50 a time or £30,000 for a new car – only those working for the BBC e.g. Atalantic Ocean or MB (Lottery funded).
However like Hitler GK believes in lebensraum and soon the ULEZ will be from John O’Groats to Lands End!!!!!!
Naked Chef then appeared at the back of the pack with some excuse of why she was there – methinks she was worried about getting lost again – 5th July 2022 refers.
The road confused many and they all followed like sheep and checked one way only, except the resolute Raffles who dragged his mistress Petal onto the correct path. The Petal mentioned to the Leather Basher that as they were so old he had a picture of him and Master Bates in sepia!
We were then joined by the wayward hairs who chatted amongst themselves and ignored the superior Surrey Hashers.
Fortunately we were back on a footpath again and then I came across a deja vu – Birthing Pool talking all the way round to The Flower Door – she had done this the other week with Olive Oil but felt another session was needed.
At this point Rupert the Bear was sweeping up – note to Uncle Gerry more than one hare needed on second time around.
He was like Billy No Mates as Podgy (he’s a pig). Willy the Mouse, Bill Badger, Algy Pug, Ping Pong and of course his favourite Edward Trunk were not here.
But I regaled him with my knowledge of how to lay a perfect trail and suddenly he shot forward and I lost him. In the woods the sun shone and dappled the forest floor with a network of light and shade but no daffodils, even though Bon Bugle was our host.
Suddenly the Potato shot by me and was followed by Blunderbus – no sign of the Runner Bean though.
We emerged onto an idyllic scene – a tumbledown cottage acting as a Post Office and “the only telephone in the village”.
I had to stop to watch a young lad called Ewan maybe 8 years old with his mother painting a watercolour of the pond – it was fantastic but why wasn’t he at home on a Playstation! – reprehensible.
Also I met people with a lovely Cairn Terrier called Monty but they would not let me take him home.
By now I was alone but then ran into a mother and daughter.
I believed from her appearance that she was a she!? However she told me every week at school they would ask “are you sure you are a girl? – maybe you are a boy – oh go on on be a boy”
She told me she had written a book called “The Diary of Ellie aged 4½” all about this. Finally I spotted Bodyshop who led us astray again (11th June 2023 refers) down down the road to the finish.
The church goers had also returned and went there to pray that they would never have to do a hash – “just here for the crack?”. And to date their prayers have been answered.
P.S. Hornblower, J Arthur, Atalantic Ocean, Ding Dong are still missing – CL surprised us by making it back this week!!!
In the car park we supped our ale and enjoyed the mighty Teq’s home brew. The Bombastic Bugler then harangued everybody as luckily Poopeye was not here – he was relocating cardboard from one skip to another- story available on Kindle.
It was Rupert the Bear’s birthday and he cheered up even without his pals and the hairs Messrs Pig Pen, Tight Git, Nettlerash were chastised for a “long and winding ROAD” but had their down downs.
The old timers from Wadebridge Hash were then invested – now I understand Half a Sixpence, Tosser, Knees Up and MB but how did Uncle Gerry and To Keel Over get in there.
Hasher of the day Ellie was called up with her mum and looked very sanctimonious – but I have read her book – reprehensible. She did her down down but real hashers turn it upside down on their head – next time.
The Gibber master was not to be upstaged and leapt – well limped into the circle. He is out of control without his lovely but sickly wife to subdue him.
Gibber continued with his gibberish remonstrating at everyone although he only did half the trail. If he had known about “road” on the trail, the Weigh Bridge hares would have been punished.
However, he could only find one “sinner” Veggie Queen who he accused of missing a puddle and so gave her a down down. He did mention a star (no names no pack drill) who had arrived early and redirected the wayward hashers who didn’t look at the website from the pub to the nursery school car park.
The sun continued to shine as we sat amongst the lavender at the Merry Harriers and I was pleased to see my good friend Handstands was in good form despite his broken leg. He relies on support from his dear wife but today he had crutches – reminds me of Dali’s “Sleep”.
Naked Chef and Top Man had gone AWOL so they didn’t have to buy the chips but these were provided by Atalantic Ocean (she was so late today it was getting dark) and the Maestro of both Wadebridge and Surrey Master Bates.
I know that FRB needs a political piece here so let’s review the plight of THE Boris.
Even with a great majority at the last election, most Tories have turned turtle and hounded him out despite other MPs having attended parties, they will not fall on their swords.
Does Harriet Harman have anything else to do? And now Marcus Ball claims Boris was not that ill with Covid although nurses caring for him say he was?!
Cur Bernard Jenkin must be held accountable for hypocrisy as he will keep his job and he was at his wife’s party – what is the difference? And as for Laura Farris which party does she represent again?
I think like the newborn in the bible until all Etonians and Harrovians are killed at birth the Houses of Parliament will not be happy!
Lunchboxes ‘R’ Us
Weybridge H3 2000th