The Runday Shag
Date: 9 July 2023
Hare: Petal & Raffles
Venue: Hawley Memorial Hall
On On: The Green
DEASIL AND WIDDERSHINS
Many years ago Timbo set a trail in eastern Surrey, duly reported (not by me!) and then a week, or a few weeks, later, much the same trail but in reverse. (Are the words in my headline less than familiar? Your dictionary will help!) The report was identical, except that every word was printed backwards, don’t ask me how. Petal waited longer than that to set a reverse trail from the Memorial Hall in Blackwater, with Wally naturally present at both: this area is one he knows well, though he usually gets us to start on the lake beloved of yachtsmen. It is possible the closure of the M3 at Junction 4 put people off, or just the distance from central Surrey, but we were very few: some 15 at the start, plus 2 or 3 late arrivals (Belcher, Mother Brown…) What we did acquire were some Berkshire hashers, whether by chance or design I cannot say: we did not find them till more than half way round, coming from a different direction.
The weather, which had been threatening, was kind to us, and Petal laid on plenty of scenery and some complicated twists and turns on his trail. Raffles was very muddy at our start, but in fact the trail was entirely dry. We had been offered 5.5 miles, which I think to have been over-stated: we were back soon after 12.20, and do not run that fast. Well, maybe Bonn Bugle does: she was in fine form, as indeed was SBJ.
The short-cuts must have been very clever: we kept finding runners added to those doing the full trail.
At the finish we found CL and Blue Suit: as far as I know neither actually ran the trail, just there for the beer. Our Biermeister had on the contrary run the trail very well indeed, solving checks like a good ‘un, and finishing right at the front, though then mysteriously absent when we most needed beer. I had to leave early, for a Hughes family picnic in Ottershaw – I have a surprisingly large number of cousins. Doubtless the beer appeared as soon as I left, to queue in the traffic trying to join the London Road. There is much to be said for choosing venues remote from the centre of Surrey, but perhaps we have seen this one often enough. Still, Petal gave us a very good morning.
Our government’s chief policy for tackling climate change is to proscribe and prosecute protesters. Even, Lord save us, Zac Goldsmith has called out our Prime Minister’s omission of the crisis* from his famous five priorities. Not that Starmer is any readier to commit his party to action on the climate (or indeed anything else: we have a latter-day King Log awaiting the keys of Downing Street).
Following the death of Lord Lawson* there are no prominent deniers to confuse the public, so people take refuge in vague hopes that something will turn up which does not ask them to change their lifestyles, and to postpone action to the lives of their grandchildren.
All Sunak could say when dragged against his will to the Cairo Conference was that his daughters were keen on the environment, which will have impressed countries already suffering as typical of rich nations’ insouciance.
Famine, floods, and heatwaves make life intolerable there; our turn will be later.
* Raffles (balance sub-editor) asks: Surely Lord Lawson wasn’t alone?
* Isn’t a crisis a Peek climax, a tumultuous period of time that passes? Otherwise we have a denouement, a finale OR EVEN A CODA!!!
Picnic at Hanging Rock – Sunday 9th July 2023
Hair of the dog: Petal and Raffles
Pie On Ears
Rum, Poopeye, Burper, J Arthur
Veggie Queen, Simple, FRB
Chastity Belt, Bonn Bugle
Olive Oil (Grease Monkey)
Latecomers and reverse trail specialists
Kelinchi – never seen again,
Silent Knight, Bamboo Arse
Lord Raleigh, Master Bates, Vicky
Body Shop, ‘IsKneesrbuggered
SBJ, Blue Suit, ‘king Wally
It was a special day – one with 24 hours in it.
All was right with the world except for those strange left handed people who turn up from time to time (they must work for the BBC as they are all lefties).
The sun had woken up and put his hat on on. He (preferred pronoun) was smiling but this was soon to turn into a grimace (should that be grim face? Ed – no I know my grand ma).
This was a gender free event – there is no such thing as gender only sex – lots of it – male and female only. The lads set off with their curly wurlies and the lassies without.
The Pie On Ears were straight out of the traps like greyhounds across the cricket field and into the woods led by Rum, J Arthur, Simple, Body Shop and FRB.
Then came Chastity Belt, Olive Oil and Birthing Pool. Bonn Bugle was delayed doing some GM admin but soon she followed with Hairy Petal. Soon they encountered the swing but Chastity Belt had a go and then said she didn’t want to be “the oldest swinger in town” and so Simple took over. He also kicked out the check in the wrong direction and then that famous Rank Outsider started calling on on.
Raffles barked and brought them on back. Popeye then thundered ahead as Master Bates appeared having been stuck in traffic. Cheating unusually was keeping up at this stage and we were down down a hill heading south to hit the first teddy bear ear– for those who are not familiar and haven’t been on a hair raising clinic, this is where the main body is the teddy and the first ear means that this gives the fast hashers a longer trail.
Here Petal had laid the first of the short cuts and Birthing Pool and Olive Oil, who were setting a talking record, took this along with Vicky. Down down to the tip on the lake joining up again with the main trail. Hawley Lake is where the sailing club is based and at one point you can see a panoramic view of the whole lake.
Latecomer Knees Up then appeared and at the next check Simple and Chastity Belt chose the wrong options!! The next check led to the Bailey Bridge training ground and the helicopter pad.
As you may know this was invented by Donald Bailey who was a civil servant whose hobby was playing with bridges and a descendent of the great Isambard Kingdom Brunel (not a lot of people know that – especially hashers!)
The picture shows me helping the Royal Engineers dismantling one from last week. With my help they achieved this in half the time.
We then headed along a multi puddled path (Raffles loved it) to encounter firstly Kelinchi who had got lost and so proceeded to run the trail backwards! Also now we were faced with Silent Knight and Bamboo Arse who obviously are not used to following flour and ended up following Simple and J Arthur’s sabotage thereby finding the in trail. [Ed – Or Wally’s incorrectly laid in trail!] This was the last check before the Bailey Bridge training ground.
Then the second teddy ear kicked in and the Pie On Ears went rampaging out to the open moor where you can see right through to Yateley, Woking and sometimes London. Petal duly supervised the long trail.
Meanwhile the Pick Nickers inspected the trig point (more info on this available if interested) and took a north easterly route home to start their lunch early. As we approached the car park, I was nearly flattened by FRB who must have short cut to be first back.
And more late arrivals to the ugly bug ball were TT1 and TT3 from Berkshire Hash and SBJ and Blue Suit from the Aston Martin factory.
A fully clothed but laconic PA was also spotted. In the absence of Poopeye who was still moving his house, Bonn Bugle called up sinners Simple, J Arthur and BH3 visitors for down downs.
She then applauded Petal and Raffles for their great trail as he did his down down – this is the hash – everyone is supposed to shout “rubbish” at this point! Raffles was pleased with the adulation but preferred to eat a stone.
Rum who had been listening to cricket all the way round volunteered for self-flagellation and a free drink – he should have been given Adams Ale!!!
Doing a head count I noted some people were missing – Atlantic Ocean, Uncle Gerry and Mrs G, Cheating – he is always missing, Kelinchi
So a mountain rescue team was summoned forthwith but there were no mountains to be rescued and anyway this was a voyage to potentially the centre of the earth – so the spelunkers were called in.
They abseiled down the Bailey Bridge chasm but the helicopter landing site stopped further exploration – methinks that like in Thunderbirds or James Bond stories this area should descend and reveal a hidden world or perhaps seeing all the Teslas in the car park made me think it was a secret rocket site for Elon Musk.
I am the one and only
Nobody I’d rather be
I am the one and only
You can’t take that away from me.
The Pied Piper was still having his revenge and with the woke ideology afoot the next generation will also lose their chidren!
Where is my money Mr Mayor?(must be from London?)
Then the police were called in but all they found was another large hole which they are looking into!?
But despite numerous attempts the straggle of spelunkers failed and all they could hear was a tin whistle and then a voice. Then the police were called in but all they found was another large hole which they are looking into!?
But some survivors were found and Tony Hancock offered to give them a blood transfusion but his blood was not suitable. Why? A Bee Negative is designed only for insects.
Meanwhile the pulchritudinous Bugle decided the picnic should go ahead anyway and she regaled us with tales of her experiences at dogging before leaving to go and mop the fevered brow of Hands de Stands – the England cricket team has offered him a chance to go and bowl a leg break but he declined [should that be reclined? – Ed].
MB had brought a banquet and Petal his famous salmon.
So what of our missing hashers?
We even searched for the Gurneys amongst the dregs where they normally are, but no sign (only one that said “Out to Lunch.”)
News or hash flash – Uncle Gerry and Mrs G have been found alive and well. They were in Ibiza!!
As they are so ubiquitous, everyone “thought” they were at the hash.
Atlantic Ocean who is ALWAYS late was expected back but a text revealed she had gone AWOL.
Kelinchi must be still running somewhere as she never came back from her piece of reverse engineering.
Cheating is still missing – he always is!!!
All’s well that ends well down down a treacle well
To TFL(Total F****** Liability) and the pinguid Muslim Meglomaniac every journey gives us loads of money – see Petal for more information!
This week's trail
Your favourite organ of truth!
So, what’s going on at the Beeb? Something sounds flaky to us, but staff at the BBC were said to be “moaning audibly” about missing out on their weekend activities (We’re not making this up)! Despite the public’s appetite, it is proper not to confuse “interesting to the public” with “in the public interest.” We must, of course, remember Cliff Richard. Yes, we must! Who can forget:
Devil Woman, Please Don’t Tease and We Don’t Talk Anymore
Bachelor Boy (good advice), Wired for Sound (do you wear hearing aids?), The Young Ones (SH3 anthem), Summer Holiday (Uncle Gerry?)
The debate rages on! Letter from Ibiza
My Editor has passed to me, as the Reporter in question, your critical comments on my Interview with so called local personality Uncle Arthur. Naturally as a believer in an open and free press we accept that we owe you a response even if your letter has tones of special pleading in conjunction with press bashing, which regretfully has become so fashionable in modern society. Despite that we would emphasise our sole role is to report the facts without fear and favour even if it may be a bruising experience for the interviewee. I would add that my background is 50 years reporting in specialist periodicals devoted to the physical and social wellbeing of the nonconformist community, so your suggestion that we have adopted the excesses of the Fleet Street press are just simply wrong. In addition I have reported on a global basis and in all those years delivering the hard facts this is the very first time I have ever received any form of opprobrium. My record speaks for itself.
As to suggesting that you speak for Uncle Arthur I would have more respect for the comments if he had personally come forward to raise his concerns rather than going through an anonymous third party. My attempts to date to contact him to verify your views have so far been unsuccessful. In fact I am not even sure you know Uncle Arthur, possibly being an agent provocateur such as Prince Harry who does nothing but berate the Press because the truth hurts. So overall I must reject your reactionary and disrespectful comments for the greater good of Press integrity and accuracy.
The only solace I can offer is that Uncle Arthur was a particularly difficult interviewee, being diffident and imprecise in his replies, which may explain your misunderstandings. In fact he reminds me of when I interviewed the late John Le Mesurier who played so brilliantly Sergeant Wilson in the highly successful TV programme Dad’s Army.
In conclusion Uncle Arthur should just be grateful that for one very brief moment he stands in the limelight of one of Great Britain’s finest thespians rather than indirectly running to the Press over some perceived slight.
Royston Sebastian Raconteur. BY AIR MAIL