And the hare’s perspective…

The Once and Future King or An Appointment with Royalty

Location: The Basingstoke  Canal Centre

I was standing there from 10am with my sign directing everyone to the SH3 corral.

This was obtained after several emails back and forth with Surrey County Council who wanted money and a risk assessment.

I explained that the only risk that could happen was for me to lose the pack on the trail but this never happens.  [Er… until today???]

And so they agreed to my terms which reminds me of the Chagos islands.

Anyway Yorkie, Belcher, FRB and Chastity Belt did not notice (geddit? – Ed) me and drove past to park with the dog walkers.

His Achilles Buggered was here as walking wounded.

Despite Mon Oncle giving negative press for my run, we had 20+ people appear.

So then they started rolling in First On, Punani,Tiller Man, Sex Starved [Tosser?], First On, DTT, Mrs Robinson, Yellow Peril, Mrs G and Mon Oncle, Rank Outsider, Pole Forker (modesty prevents me?!), Bolshoi, Deux Ex Machina, Patel and Ruffles, etc

Sex Starved was querying whether Mytchett was in Surrey. Just because he lives amongst the Indians in Slough, Berks he needs to get out more [Ed – Surbiton?]!

Uncle Gerry convened the circle and said that he was honoured to have the GM (obviously a Phil Beta Kappa) of Deepcut here (no names no pack drill) but the Deepcut GM did not return the compliment.

He was here mainly to check on the veracity of the trail design.

You will be aware that there are only 4 real runners on SH3 – Blunderbus (blown away somewhere), Big Dick aka Figboot (away in tieland adjusting his dress), Runner Bean aka Laura Croft and Atalantic Ocean.

I had designed the trail to accommodate them and so it was disappointing that they were all missing today [at first].

Then I tried to explain to the pack Wally conventions of 4^th mark on and and F for False plus the world famous bar check but nobody listened and this meant they got lost later on on, i.e. not my fault!  [Ed – it’s aways your fault!  In any case, what’s the difference betweeen 3 false trails or no flour from a check, apart from giving us poor buggers who do the checking false hope?]

With that the Deepcut stalwarts messers Yorkie and Yellow Peril (the Japanese warrior) led the pack out. YP being his usual  rambunctious self wanted to show his hashing prowess.

He is sui generis.

Then came Belcher, Patel and Doug The Tub.

Raffles was sprinting ahead followed by FRB and the Rank Outsider.

On on to the first check where a number of runners went off left but the trail continued due North and up a hill to a barcheck by the Four winds.

So over the hill and by now Runner Bean who had turned up late and missed the briefing could not find her way out of the car park?!

She sprinted ahead to be hit by another bar check!

Meanwhile Tosser, Mrs G and Punani had short cut and wandered off completely the wrong way and never responded to my “On back”!

Also Veggie Queen appeared and then the first of the rain came.

The pack laggardly advanced towards a back check.

It looked like the time Moses parted the Red Sea as they all followed like sheep down down a long falsie.

But who is this? The ever tardy Atalantic Ocean came flying along hoping to catch the Runner Bean.

The former has always been frustrated that when Laura Croft is there she cannot keep up.

I explained to her that you are 45 whereas Runner Bean is 25 so what do you expect [only a couple of years in it?].

Now the trail went right and along came Potato and Chastity Belt who then went straight ahead to hit another bar check.

Also Mrs Robinson, Dr Death, Sex Starved and Machinist.

We now had a reverse of the pack with Veggie Queen leading from Bolshoi and Birthing Pool.

At last Uncle Gerry and Pole Fucker appeared but not for long!

Patel had guessed correctly and headed down down towards the first view stop.

I directed the pack up a slope and to the Gravedog Tree.

Here you could see how the plaque in memory of a dog had grown with the tree over 30 years.

The dog was an Alsatian (now known as a German Shepherd) called Rebel and the sign says  Simply The Best (maybe it was Tina Turner’s dog? – Ed) 4^th February 1995.

I do not know whether the dog or just its ashes were buried here?

I hung around to direct the walkers Masturbates, Birthing Blanket, FRB and Sex Starved on on their route whilst the pack surged ahead towards the Old Guildford Road.

The main pack should have gone North Eastward along the telegraph poles and down down a steep narrow gully.

But I couldn’t find them.

The main path then went South East.

Here at a check they should have spotted a tiny path off going southwest but I suspect they took the main one back to the Old Guildford Road. Anyway I will never know if anyone found my devious route around the Reservoir as I tried in vain to find any hashers  at all.

This was getting a bit like “Picnic at Hanging Rock” but I continued to follow the real trail with a horrendous climb before bisecting the Guildford Road again and  and then descending into the middle valley and up onto the escarpment to find the 2^nd view stop.

Here over the trees looking West in the distance you can see the silhouette of some buildings.

Firstly at 3 miles St Michael’s Abbey

a monastery housing the sarcophagus of Napoleon III which Queen Victoria visited, and

Elvetham Hall at 10 miles

which Henry VIII went to with Anne Bolelyn in 1535.

What is interesting is that as both buildings are on the same transit line you end up with a hybrid view!!

So did anyone find the 2^nd view stop?

Arriving back at the SH3 corral to see Mrs G, Tiller Man, Masturbates and Tosser (should Tosser come before Masturbates? – Ed).

But no sign of the main pack.

Based on on the fact that I followed the complete route and even when there was no flour found my way back why couldn’t others have done the same?

If you are in the far valley head South, if in the near valley head West – simple!

I was contemplating going back to search but then Atlantic Ocean hoved into view and obviously Laura Croft was beaten today (hope the stick wasn’t too big? – Ed).

Why was this?

Because Yellow Peril then became an ersatz hare because he thinks he knows this terrain better than me (probably does although I live here) and became a hero and guided said AO back by a secret route that he knew.

Then came Chastity Belt followed by J Arthur, Belcher and Dr Death.

Despites some complaints, people must have found some Fs as I heard a voice saying “What an effing trail”.

However, this hash was set using Hofstadter’s Law

The ONLY person interested in my enigmatic design was Chastity Belt and so I gave her my laminted A3 copy for posterity!

[!!!!]

Down Downs

Blow Job, Blue Suit and Online Servies were now hanging about but not sure if they did the trail?

Mon Oncle called up YP for his birthday drink and mentioned that YP was trained by His Walliness and also returnee Pole Fucker.

Uncle Gerry was quite complimentary until he threatened for me to be thrown in the canal. This is nothing new as it has happened to me on numerous occasions for no reason.

Then Mon Oncle dethroned me and I felt like Edward VIII until he recrowned me and  I became a king again like Charles but I would not have let Diana go!

Belcher then called up Mrs G who apparently had been staying in an orchard wearing an Apple Watch (these Gurneys must have plenty of money?!).

Then our genial RA was hijacked by Deux Ex Machina to sing a bawdy song – if Big Dick had been here he would have frog marched him out of the circle.

All of a sudden Yorkie came strolling into the corral.

Where had he been? I called him on on at the Gravedog Tree but he ran away from me in the opposite direction so he had to be given a down down for going AWOL!

Post Run

I headed off to get chips whilst the pack went to the Goat where they were greeted by mine hosts Will and Chesslava.

Here I supplied plates, serviettes, forks, tomato sauce, vinegar and salt.

Mrs Robinson asked “Where is the mayonaise?” She was sore aggrieved.

I explained that mayonaise is for posh people and you are the only posh person on the hash and I only cater for the hoi polloi.

However, she was not appeased.

Mine host Will was not a grumpy as usual because he won a few bob on the National yesterday whilst his wife Chesslava beamed at everyone.

We then celebrated YP’s birthday with a cake.

Raffles had made himself comfortablr on a number of chairs and then wished YP all the best in his own particular way.

I was really pleased to see Lord Raleigh – how many buses did he have to catch be here?

My brother Tory Boy offered to give him a lift home.

But he lives in Great Bookham and his lordship in Dorking which is much further.

This doesn’t make sense as I wouldn’t have done it!

E&OE

  On On,
  ‘King Wally